Learn English with Chad Thornsberry - Eating Healthy Is For Stupid People (Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
0:00
I'm getting out of shape. You want to know how you know you're getting out of shape? When you get out of breath, blowing on the food to cool it down that you're trying to eat--
0:07
(audience laughing)
0:12
So I got to start exercising more. That's the thing. I'm going to-- I'm looking at the machine I can buy and take on the road with me. And here it is. I'm watching the infomercial, and here's the big picture of the guy, the before picture, what he looked like before. And here's the machine.
0:22
And he's working out with it. He's real vigorous on it. That's what he looks like in the after picture. I'm like, man, maybe I should buy that thing. Work out with it just three times a week for 20 minutes each time, and maybe I could look like that guy in the before picture.
0:33
(audience laughing) You guys left me hanging on that one for a second. I'm not even going to lie to you. I know that I eat poorly. I know that. It doesn't escape my cube. And everybody wants to tell me how to eat. I'm driving overnight one time. I'm tired. Just ready to get home.
0:55
I order some stuff at the drive-through around the corner. And there's a woman standing outside of her car stopping me. I said, are you OK? And she said, "Yes, don't go "get your food yet." Why? "Because I told them we didn't "want the food they had already prepared.” "We wanted our food "prepared fresh." Lady, I just ordered three cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at McDonald's at 2:45 in the morning. I am well aware the level of cuisine I'm about ready to have.
1:26
(audience laughing) Why don't you get out of my way while the chef prepares yours the way you want it. Let him throw my fat in the sack, and get on down the road. I've got places to be.
1:38
(audience laughing) I was at a nice restaurant one time. The waitress walks over. "Have you had time to look "at the menu?" Yes, I have. "What can I get you?" I said, I'm a very basic, straightforward kind of eater. How about a steak and baked potato. She said, "OK, perfect. "How would you like your potato?"
1:54
(audience laughing) Baked … I thought I hit that a second ago. Did I not run through that already? She goes, "No, I have "22 different ways I can prepare "a baked potato. "Would you like to hear "the list?" No, I don't want to hear the list. Make it hot. Put in your pocket. Walk around with it for a second. I don't care. Heat it up.
2:17
"How would you like your steak?" Well done. "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't prepare "our steaks well done." That's OK, because it's not our steak.
2:24
(audience laughing) Not trying to sound like a horrible person here, but I planned on eating it all by myself.
2:30
(audience laughing) She said, "No the cooks will "prepare it that way. "But you can have it done "any other way." Oh, any other way. Do you do medium? "Yes, we do. Well, do that twice.
2:44
(audience laughing) I've got a buddy that's really into juicing. He's like, "man, if you juice "fruits and vegetables, "you get so many more "vitamins and nutrients." He said, "let me make you some." I don't know. "Come on." What's in it? "Well, this has kale "and carrots." No. He's like, "No, no, no, I'm also "going to put some beets in it." Oh, good. There for a second, I thought it was going to taste like crap.
3:11
(audience laughing) Glad you have some of those plump, delicious beets I've been craving. You can mix in a little broken concrete and rock salt. Really help wash that down. That'd be fantastic.
3:25
(audience laughing) You do insane things to try and stay in shape. I had some people come up to me after a show. He was like, "Hey, man, let me "ask you a question. "Do you play volleyball?" I was like, oh, yeah. But actually the correct answer is, oh, no. They ask me a personal question about myself to my face and I got it wrong. That is very difficult to do.
3:50
(audience laughing) They said, "We really don't need "you to play. "But it's a big championship game. "We thought it would be cool "if you just stay on the side "and make some jokes." I'm like, hey, man, that's cool. I can do that. So I get there, and I've got an old pair of basketball shorts on, like a t-shirt from the Chuckle Hut in Tennessee or wherever it was from. And my teammates come in, and they're in these really nice-looking uniforms. I'm like, "Guys, I don't have "a uniform." He's like, doesn't matter. You're not going to be playing.
4:15
Perfect I'm going to get away with this. And they're warming up. And I'm out there helping the best I can, and loving me until a guy gets a phone call. He goes, OK, OK, and looks over at me. He goes, we've got it covered. Don't worry about. I don't know what he's getting ready to say, but we don't got it covered. I do know that.
4:35
And he points at me and goes, you've got to play. "Hold up. "We talked about this. "I wasn't supposed to play." He goes, no, four guys riding together, their Jeep broke down on the interstate. They're not going to make it. If we don't start the game with six, we're disqualified. You're number six.
4:52
The guy walks over. He's like, hey, man, just having a little fun. Reached up and gives me one of those. And right when I get about right here, somebody yelled at me. They go, hey, Thornsberry. I look away, and I missed. I didn't connect that, which should have been their first clue that I might not be the athlete that they were banking on.
5:07
(audience laughing) We get in our little huddle and the guy goes, OK, we're going to go cross-face rotation on two. I go, "I don't know what that means." He gets mad. He goes, cross-face rotation on two. "Yeah, the volume wasn't "throwing me off. "That's not where you lost me." He said, just stand in the corner of the playing area and try to stay out of the way.
5:36
"Hey, that was my plan "from the beginning there, Tim. "I don't know what you're playing "with, but that's what I had too." He was like, watch out, they've got Andy serving. "Who's Andy? Andy was a three-time All-American at the University of Oregon. He was a reserve for the US Men's Olympic Volleyball Team. And he said, he's got this weird ability to figure out the weakest player on the opposing team--
5:58
(audience laughing) --and will attack him. Oh, like a guy not wearing freaking uniform? Sherlock Andy can see us out of those clues together, can he? Wonderful what they teach in Oregon. I wish this story had a better ending. I really do. Andy served the ball to me 15 times in a row because he is a horrible human being.
6:24
(audience laughing) After the third point his team goes and sits down. They're just sitting on the side just texting. My guys on my team that aren't getting missiles fired at them 85 miles an hour every seven seconds, "Man, this guy sucks." "Well, I know that we had to get "somebody." I know, then why's he crying," or whatever they were saying. I really don't know. But that's what they were-- We lose 15 to nothing. Their championship season destroyed. 1000% my fault. Everybody's mad.
7:00
Everybody leaves. One guy walks back over to me. He's like, "Hey, man, "I know it's not your thing." I appreciate that. And he goes, "Oh, you can't do "that either." And walks off.
7:05
(audience laughing)
Difficult Phrases and Words
out of shape - physically unfit
left me hanging - Originating from high-fives. It's considered rude to not return a high-five when someone puts their hand in the air—there's no graceful way for them to lower-it without someone returning their high-five. Their hand is left-hanging in the air. So, whenever a person leaves another person in a situation where the first person is waiting for a response--and not getting it from the second person--it's referred to as being left hanging (Taken from Urban Dictionary).
Well done - cooking meat to the highest amount. The different levels of cooking steak are: rare, medium, well done.
juicing - squeezing juice out of vegetables and fruits in order to drink it
stay in shape - continue to stay fit/not fat
got it covered - taken care of
Discussion Questions
Do you eat healthy food or unhealthy food?
Chad eats fast food. Do you eat fast food? How often?
Would you like to get more in shape? When were you the most out of shape?
Can you remember a time when someone left you hanging? Maybe a friend, a text message left unanswered, a date never showed up?
How do you like your steak cooked?
What do you think of juicing? Chad thinks that juicing is disgusting. What do you think?
Is staying in shape a priority of yours? How do you stay in shape?
Chad played horribly in a volleyball game. Did you ever play a sport that your did horribly at? What sport(s) do you play horribly, and what sport(s) do you play very well?
One of the players on the volleyball team said “we’ve got it covered” when thinking that he could solve the problem of missing teammates by having Chad be a substitute player. If you were playing your favorite team sport and one of the players on your team was absent, who would you invite as a substitute?