Learn English with Nate Bargatze - 8 Minutes of Dad Jokes(Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze.
My dad is a magician. He’s done that my entire life. He was a clown at the very beginning, just in case you’re like, “How do you get into something like that?” Uh… It goes clown, then magic. There’s two steps. You can take them in either order. I was born, he was a clown. It was never weird to me. I thought everybody’s dad was a clown. My, uh, first memory of my life is I was five years old, and I remember my mom walked me out to the front yard, and my dad pulled up… We had this old red Mazda. He’s dressed as a clown, that doesn’t even faze me. That’s just how he left. How else would he come home? And… The Easter Bunny was in the passenger seat. That’s the first thing that I remember, to my life. If you want to know how you get into comedy, that’s a pretty good nudge. And I remember it didn’t fit. The Easter Bunny head didn’t fit in the car. Like, he couldn’t sit normal, so his head was bent to the side. And I remember he had his seat belt on, and he’s just like… and I was like… I like to think about all the other people that saw that. Just in the car next to them, just at a red light, you’re like, “I didn’t even know they hung out like that.” Uh…
So, me and my dad, we do… He just does magic now, and he’s very good at what he does. He’s very funny, and we do shows together. So, uh, one time, we did this show. Magicians have conventions where they get together and they buy and sell tricks, and they give a lecture, and they do this big show. So this guy was putting one together in Des Moines, Iowa, which is the birthplace of magic, something a lot of people don’t know. And… It’s not, but that does sound like it could be. I don’t know why. I said that in Des Moines, and people are like, “I think I already knew that.” Uh… They’re like, “No. Uh, yeah, he’s… No, he’s right.” So, this guy calls me, he’s like, “Your dad’s performing this year, so we want you to come down, and we’re gonna make you appear out of a magic trick.” I’m gonna come out, I’m gonna surprise my dad, surprise the audience, everybody will go crazy, and then I’ll do five minutes of stand-up, and that will end the show. He’s like, “It’s gonna be a big deal.” I was like, “All right.” I agreed to it. I fly to Des Moines. I’m hiding. I’m in my room. No one knows I’m there. The show starts. My dad’s out performing, I climb in a box backstage. When my dad gets done performing, they ask him to stay and help, and they push the box out. The trick is, the guy has a very pretty lady assistant. She walks around, shows the box is empty, and then she climbs in. Normally, it just falls apart, and then she disappears. But now, it falls apart, and it’s me, and I pop out. And you have to come out big. I don’t know if you’ve ever appeared out of a magic trick, but… if you do, you can’t just be like, “How you doing?” -You know? Like… It’s gotta be a big grand, like, “Can you believe it?” And I look at my dad, his face is so surprised. He had no idea. But his eyes are just like, “Why would you ever do this?” And I was like, “Is this not a good time to visit you?” Uh… The audience is clapping, but they’re not going that crazy… Like, they start… The clapping starts dying down, and as I’m standing there, it’s, like, hitting me. I was like, “I don’t think they know who we are.” That guy told me they did, and they don’t. They don’t know that’s my dad, they don’t know I’m a comedian. This looks like the stupidest trick they’ve ever seen. It doesn’t make sense. They’re like, ‘A pretty girl goes in and just a whatever dude pops out? That’s your trick? Your trick is backwards, sir. It’s backwards.”
And now I gotta do comedy, but they don’t know I’m a comedian. So I get a microphone, they’re like, “He’s gonna talk to us now? How long is this trick?” When you do comedy in front of people not expecting comedy, it does not come off as comedy. It sounds like a mean speech. They were just like, “Get back in the box. Where’s the girl? Is she fine? Can we hear from her?”
So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind.
Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing.
She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers.
Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital.
She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.”
She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that.
Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone; they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?”
We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but…
I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.”
Difficult Phrases and Words
magician - a person who performs magic tricks for entertainment.
magician
clown -
clown
pulled up - approach with a vehicle and then stop
faze - disturb or disconcert (someone).
nudge - a light touch or push.
bent - not straight, crooked
seat belt - a belt or strap securing a person to prevent injury, especially in a vehicle or aircraft.
seat belt
conventions - a large meeting or conference, especially of members of a political party or a particular profession.
tricks - a cunning or skillful act or scheme intended to deceive or outwit someone.
backstage - relating to or situated in the area behind the stage in a theater.
it’s hitting me - (slang) I’m finally understanding
tag
tag
bawl - cry noisily.
furious - extremely angry.
nightstand - a small low bedside table
Nightstand
sideways - from the side
menopause - period in a woman's life (typically between 45 and 50 years of age) when this occurs.
get to the bottom - (informal) solve, figure something out
felt it out - (informal) Not based on logic but instead based on feel.
sticking - When a button is sticking, it is not working properly.
Discussion Questions
Nate says that his dad’s job is a clown and a magician. What is your dad’s job?
Nate said that his dad pulled up to his house with the Easter bunny in the car. Did anyone pull up to your house who was very exciting or who you were happy to see or who you did not want to see?
Nate said that seeing his dad dressed as a clown did not faze him. What is unique about your parents that would faze many people but does not faze you?
Did your parents try to nudge you into a certain career or job?
Nate said that the Easter Bunny did not fit in his dad’s car, so its head was bent to the side. Do you remember a time when you were packed in a car with other people? Why?
Are people required by law to wear seat belts in your country?
Did you ever attend a convention? What convention?
Have you ever performed a magic trick?
Did you ever go backstage? Why?
The truth that the audience did not know him or why he is was showing up in the box finally hit Nate as he appeared in the magic trick. Was there a time when truth hit you?
Nate said that kids can bawl over just a tag in their shirt. He said that he loves it when kids cry because it is so innocent. What is your opinion of kids bawling easily?
Nate sarcastically says that his daughter wanting to be a YouTuber makes him furious. What actually makes you furious?
What book is on your nighstand now?
Nate’s wife can sleep sideways and even upside down. Nate also sarcastically says that his wife is going through menopause because his wife gets really hot at night. What are your sleeping habits like? Do you sleep sideways? Do you go to bed early or late?
Nate sarcastically says that a random lady could get to the bottom of his daughter’s bus number faster than him. Would your dad know your bus number? How was your dad involved in your life?
Do you feel things out or use logic more?
Nate made up the excuse that his comma key was sticking to take away attention from his poor grammar skills. How would you rate your grammar skills?