Learn English with Brian Regan - Stupid in School(Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know.
But you know when it all went wrong was the day of the spelling bee. 'cause up until that day that I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know. Then the spelling bee day, you know, popped up.
"Alright kids up against the wall. It's time for public humiliation. Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends. That's great for a little ego, 'Say, look at me! I'm a moron, I wasn't even close! I was using numbers and stuff!"
That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong just on purpose so he can sit down, you know. He knew he wasn't going to win so why stand up there for 3 hours? First round, 'Cat' k-a-t, I'm outta here. Then as he passed you, "I know there are 2 t's."
I remember my teacher asked me, "Brian, what's the 'i' before 'e' rule?"
'i' before 'e'... ALWAYS."
"What are you, an idiot, Brian?"
"Apparently."
So, she explains that "No, Brian, it's 'i' before 'e'. except after c and when sounding like 'a' as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
"That's a hard rule. That's a— that's a rough rule."
Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”
“You put a ‘s’...put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”
“When?”
“On weekends and holidays!!!”
“No, Brian. Let me show you.”
So she asked this kid who knew everything,Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”
“Brian?”
“What?”
“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”
“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”
"No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what's the plural for goose?"
"Geese. I saw a flock... of geese."
"Brian!"
"Wha-at?"
"Brian, what's the plural for moose?"
"MOOSEN!! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen. The meese want the food in the woodyesen! In the, food in the woodenesen!"
"Brian! Brian. You're an imbecile."
"Imbecile-n."
"What are you speaking German, Brian?"
"German. Jermain. Jermaine Jackson. Jackson Five. Tito!"
"Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?"
"I don't know, I don't know, really."
Difficult Phrases and Words
spelling bee - a spelling competition
popped up - appear or occur suddenly
humiliation - to reduce (someone) to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : to make (someone) ashamed or embarrassed
ego - a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
moron - a stupid person (informal, an insult)
imbecile - a stupid person (informal, an insult)
Discussion Questions
Have you ever participated in a spelling bee?
Brian said that the spelling bee day popped up on him. Did some academic event (or life event) pop up on you?
Brian’s teacher humiliated him. What would you say to Brian’s teacher?
Based on Brian’s story, Brian had a small ego growing up. Did you have a small or large ego when you were growing up?
Did you sometimes feel like a moron or an imbecile when you were growing up?