Learn English with Brian Regan - Eye Doctor(Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
I’m wearing new contacts. I’ve just had my prescription changed after six years. Did you ever wait that long? When you get new lenses, you’re like “Man, I could have been seeing things”. How can instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to do list? “Oh, I’ll see tomorrow. I don’t have time. I don’t have time… to see clearly. No, I don’t, I don’t, no I can’t do that. You see what’s on my desk?”
So, I go in for the eye exam. I don’t know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don’t want to get a ‘D’ on that thing. End up with these big thick coke bottle lenses. “I didn’t take it serious. Are you still in here? I’m just seeing shadows and shapes”. It’s important. They don’t call it a quiz.
So I go in there, I sit in that big chair. He slides that big giant thing on my face. “Are these my glasses? What happened to me?” Gotta be one hell of a pair of glasses. Do I like it better it like this or like this? “I like this but I wonna see that one again. That one’s pretty good, but let’s go back …” Click, click, click, click, click. I hate that test because I can’t commit. I could feel my eye doctor losing his patience with me “Let’s try it again, Brian. Which one do you like better, number 1 or number 2?” “I don’t like either one of those.” “Khe, yeh, but that wasn’t the question I asked, was it? I asked you which one you like better and I was careful to phrase it that way. So, why don’t you keep that in mind while we try it yet again. Which one do you like better, number 1 or number 2?” – “Huh, they’re about the same.” – “Ghm. Why would I waste your time and mine by making them both the same. Did you ever stop to think about that? You ready to try it one more time?” – “What do you want from me?”
Way too much pressure during that entire exam. They do one test every time. I don’t know what they’re looking for, all I know is I get an anxiety attack in the middle of the damn thing. “Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B.” – “Now! No, now, now! Then! I don’t know. I don’t know when it happened.” I’m worried if I’m off by an eighth of a second I’ll get these big giant hobble coming attraction glasses. “Boy, you must have messed up that A-B test.” Did I ever. Grand opening. What are they helping me with - my ability to watch cars pass on the highway? “They pass NOW! And they pass NOW!” Man, how do you do it?
It’s weird in the eye exam room. It’s just him and me. It’s dark in there. The door’s closed. I feel strange when he pulls his chair up uncomfortably close to you – yheeeeeee. He’s like this far from my face. He shines his goofy light into my eyes for about an eternity. “Huuuuh. Uuuph, huuuuh. How’re you doin’ there?” – “I’m a little uncomfortable. Can you back up a tad? Are you looking at my soul? You want a ‘tic-tac'? So, he says “So, you know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?” – “No. I did not.” He goes “It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought might wanna be self-conscious for the rest of your life.” I went out to my car mirror “Am I some kind of monster? Is that a hump? I am not an animal, I’m a man!” What’s the matter with him?
Then he asked me “Would you like to try trifocals?” And I’m like “I must have been away a while because I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He says “It’s exactly what you would think - you could see at three different distances depending on where you look through your lens – you could see close, medium or far away.” And I’m like “I can’t even imagine getting used to that.” There’s a book, there’s a plane, there’s Alpha Centauri. Do people need this kind of range? “Is that a fly on my nose? Is that a comet?”
Difficult Phrases and Words
contacts - thin discs that sit directly on your eye to correct vision
prescription - an instruction written by a medical practitioner that authorizes a patient to be provided a medicine or treatment.
lenses - another name for contacts
shadows - a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface.
Shadows
commit - agree to something
anxiety attack - sudden, unexpected episode of intense fear and anxiety
Anxiety - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an event or something with an uncertain outcome.
shines - give out a bright light
goofy - silly
eternity - unending time
tad - informal way of saying “a little”
tic-tac - candy used to make breath smell better
tic-tac
self-conscious - awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions (In this context uncomfortable awareness.)
hump - a rounded raised mass of earth or land or on a person or animal.
This camel has two humps.
range - the area of variation between upper and lower limits
comet -
They are looking at a comet in the sky.
Discussion Questions
Have you been to an eye doctor before? What was it like?
Have you ever used contacts/lenses?
Are prescriptions expensive in your country?
Would you rather be in the shining sun or in the shadows of giant trees within a forest?
Brian says that he does not like the eye test because he cannot commit. Can you commit? Are you better at committing in some areas?
Have you or someone you know ever had an anxiety attack?
Describe a goofy person you know. What do you think of this person?
Do you think that people have souls that continue throughout eternity?
Do you remember a time when you were very close to someone, and you wish that the person would back-up a tad?
Do you feel self-conscious when someone offers you a tic tac or gum?
If you had a hump on your back like a camel but it could store water just like a camel, would you be okay with having a hump on your back?
Do you have a wide range of interests? What are two of your interests that are very different from each other?
Would you want contacts that can see comets that are very far away?