Learn English with Brian Regan - The Emergency Room(Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
Thank you, man. It feels great. I’m feeling good. I actually just recently had to go to the Emergency Room, though and… I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It’s weird if you’re considering calling an ambulance for yourself. You know? You call ambulances for other people, right? What are you supposed to say for yourself? Can you come get me? Yeah, I don’t feel so good. Just come on in, and I’ll be lying on the floor.
I was looking at the phone thinking, “I don’t know how to do this.” I didn’t know what to do. It was at night, so I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. *whistles a tune* Noooo, after you. Merge, everybody merge. I’m only imploding.
So I pull up at the entrance to the Emergency Room. No valet parking. I mean, if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system… if there’s ever a time when you want to go, “can you park this because I need to collapse immediately?” But no, I’m circling around the parking lot trying to find a spot. “Can I park there, I think I’m gonna die?” “I’m dying too.” “OK, go ahead. I’ll go up a couple levels.” Unbelievable. I don’t care if you’re driving yourself or someone else to the Emergency Room, you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you supposed to drop somebody off and go park the car? “OK, you go in! Tell them you’re SHOT! Ask them if they validate!” Unbelievable.
So I finally park, you know. I go in to check in. They ask the most insulting question when you check into a hospital. “What seems to be the problem?” “What seems.. ? Well it seems… it seems like everything in all my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” What kind of condescending question…
So they check me in to my luxurious half room. There’s a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he’s moaning over there. *Moans* I’m thinking, “man, they’re never going to help me with him moaning like that.” So I gotta out-moan him, you know? *moans louder* *answers with a louder moan* *moans even louder* *screams out a moan* “Quit moaning! We’re all hurting!” The whole floor is like a haunted choir. *moans again* It’s gotta be hell to work in this environment.
So I’m killing time writhing. The nurse finally comes in. “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m on a gurney. Do you have a pain killer or something? This is killing me.” So she goes, “how would you describe your pain?” *pause* “It’s killing me. I don’t know if you remember that part. Ouch.” What, are we playing that pyramid game? “Um. Excruciating. Horrific. Would rather have shards of glass in my eye. How do I convey this to you?” So she asks, “how would you rate your pain?” “Four stars. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!” She goes, “how would you rate it on a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst?” Well, you know saying a low number isn’t going to help you. “Oh, I’m a two… maybe the high one’s. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flinstone vitamin and I’ll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the threes and fours and such, if anyone’s saying such ridiculous numbers.” I couldn’t bring myself to say ten though, because I had heard that the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone cracked in half. I don’t know if that’s true, but, I thought, if it is, they have exclusive rights to ten. And now I’m thinking, “what was I worried about? Is there like a femur ward in the hospital. They would have heard about me and hobbled into my room.” “Who the hell… had the AUDACITY… to say he was at a level ten?!? You know nothing about ten. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what ten is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!” How could I possibly… I can’t. So I thought, “I’ll say nine. Then I thought, no, childbirth. I better not try to compete with that.” And then I’m thinking, “you know what must be hell? Giving childbirth when your femur bone’s cracked in half.”
So I said, “I guess I’m an eight.” She goes, “OK, I’ll be back.” I’m like, “aw, I blew it. I ain’t getting nothing with eight.” But she surprised me, she comes in, she goes me, “the doctor told me to give you morphine immediately.” So then I’m like, “morphine?? That’s the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died… OK, I’m a four… I’m a zero, I’m a negative eleventeen.” Morphine. So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about fifteen minutes later, just for the hell of it, I was like, “I’m an eight again! Guess who’s an eight?” When they finally check me out, I’m walking down the hall, I’m going “Say eight! Say eight! Say eight! Say eight! Happy eight day!
Difficult Phrases and Words
Emergency Room - a room in a hospital that provides emergency care to persons requiring immediate medical treatment.
ambulance - A specially equipped vehicle used to transport the sick or injured.
Merge - To combine or unite. (In this context, cars from multiple lanes are all moving into one lane.)
imploding - bursting
valet parking - a service provided (at a club or restaurant or airport etc.) whereby a patron/customer leaves a car at the entrance and an attendant parks and retrieves it.
oversight - n. An unintentional omission or mistake.
validate - To establish the soundness, accuracy, or legitimacy of: synonym: confirm.
condescending - adj. exhibiting an attitude of superiority
luxurious - adj. Marked by luxury or rich abundance
moaning - A low, long, mournful cry, usually indicative of sorrow or pain.
haunted - inhabited or frequented by ghosts
gurney - n. a metal stretcher with wheels
Gurney
Excruciating - intensely painful.
Horrific - causing horror/fright
shards - a piece of broken ceramic, metal, glass, or rock, typically having sharp edges.
convey - communicate (a message or information).
aspirin - used medicinally to relieve mild or chronic pain
ridiculous - absurd
femur
Femur bones
audacity - 1. a willingness to take bold risks. 2. rude or disrespectful behavior
sledgehammer - a kind of hammer
sledgehammers
Tummy - a cute way to say a person's stomach
morphine - narcotic drug obtained from opium and used medicinally to relieve pain.
Discussion Questions
Did you ever have to stay in an emergency room?
Did you ever ride in an ambulance?
Brian was angry when all of the cars merged in front of him as he was trying to drive to the hospital. Do you get angry when driving, or do you know someone who gets angry when driving?
Brian felt like imploding when he was in the hospital. Was there a time when you felt like imploding, or you felt excruciating, horrific pain?
Did you ever break a glass object? Were there shards of glass all across the floor?
Have you ever used valet parking? Do you think it is worth it?
Did you ever make an oversight? How did you or others feel about that oversight?
Do you ever feel like you need to do something important or meaningful in order to validate your existence?
Do you remember a time when someone was condescending to you?
Would you like to live in a luxurious house? If money was not an issue, what would be in your luxurious house?
What do you think of people who moan? Is it always necessary?
Have you ever been to a haunted house or place? Do you think that houses and places can be haunted?
Have you ever been on a gurney?
If you could convey one message to the world, what would it be?
Teachers can get stressed when working with their students. Which student(s) from your classes do you think caused teachers to take the most aspirin?
What is something ridiculous that you saw or heard recently?
If someone had the audacity to hit your femur bone with a sledgehammer, what would you do?
Do you think it’s a good idea to give someone morphine if they just have a tummy-ache?