Learn English with - Brian Regan - UPS (Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
Brian: We just moved. I called UPS to ask them to help out with some boxes. They're a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them. I had no idea. I called them up. Yeah, uh, I have a ten boxes. Could you come and come pick them up?
UPS Guy: We need to know the weight and the girth.
Brian: Okay, goodbye. So I called back.
UPS Guy: We need the weight and the girth.
Brian: Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and ummm … I don’t know what girth means … So now what’s the procedure? So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old.
UPS Guy: Well, do you have a bathroom scale?
Brian: Uh, yeah but if I put the box on the scale it's going to cover up the numbers! What … do I take them off really quick? Ah zero, I’m not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula.
UPS Guy: How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself, get off the scale, pick up the box, get back on where you and the box together and subtract your own weight.
Brian: I'm going slow down! Hold on professor! You know this guy's never tried this because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers. What am I Mr. Olympia? … Three pounds. Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept assuring me it was easy.
UPS Guy: You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and you double that by the smaller of the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side.
Brian: Okay I got to go. I’m getting another call. Yeah I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just want to not be on with you any longer. So this is true I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers. You know, let them come out and pick them up. If it's wrong I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck … please. So I called back … Yeah I have ten boxes and … No, I’m another guy … Yeah, and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds and they'll have a girth of three …
UPS Guy: Three what?
Brian: Three girth units. Come pick em’ up, please. I'm begging ya. They’re boxes, and they're brown, and they have tape all on em’. And they probably fit on a dolly. Why must you torture me?
Difficult Phrases and Words
UPS - A shipping company in the USA.
girth - The distance around something or the circumference. (Brian didn’t know this word either, showing it is a difficult word.)
bathroom scale - Used to measure your body weight.
Bathroom scale
dispatch - send (formal business variant)
dolly - Used to pick up boxes
Dolly
Discussion Questions
When do you ship boxes? Do you mail boxes to friends and family for holidays? Have you shipped boxes with a lot of girth before?
Do you remember something you mailed to a friend or family-member?
Do you remember a time when you received poor customer service?
Brian said that weighing the boxes on a bathroom scale was impossible. Can you think of a way to make it possible?
Imagine all of the presents you receive during Christmas. Could you pick up all of the presents in your arms at one time, or would you need a dolly?