Learn English with Shayne Smith - Robbing Wendy's With An ALLIGATOR (Stand-Up Comedy)
Transcript
00:00 - 00:31
I've been traveling a ton this year for comedy which has been great. I went to two places in particular. I went to Austin and Portland. Both places … No, hold on … Either way you're wrong. If you’ve seen me before and I bring up a place, I will say nothing good about that place. I'm not here to be like they were great and moving on …
00:31 - 01:44
No, so I went to Austin and Portland and they're not so bad. But here is the thing, Austin and Portland both cities where their whole motto is keep it weird, and they’re “We're weird!”, and I showed up and I'm like I'm a weird guy. I love weird stuff. I cannot wait to see what I'm gonna see … nothing weird at all okay. Talking to people like “When does the weird happen?” And they’re like “It’s around.” It wasn't. There's nothing weird happening in either of those places. I was like you guys have to … the bar has to be higher. I lived in New York. Once on the subway I saw a guy … this is real, only wearing the top half of a Spongebob costume okay yeah. Oh, what was he doing you asked. He was wrestling another man okay who clearly didn't know him. That guy he was wrestling was just yelling out over and over again he goes “Sponge Bill, no!” Yeah, no one on the train was helping. Everyone watching like “He seems like he has it under control.” So if you're gonna be weird, you gotta step it up.
01:44 - 2:37
Also how dare Austin and Portland keep it weird when … How dare they act like they're weird when they know Florida exists. Yeah, it's just out there doing what Florida does. Last time I was in Florida. This is real by the way. This is Googable information after the show. I'm in Florida. I'm walking past a newspaper stand. I look into the stand. The headline on the newspaper reads “Local Man Robs Wendy's with Alligator”. What did you just say to me? I read it. I still said that out loud. It was incredible. Oh and also oh yeah that's all you want to say. You don't want to add any more to that? Like I don't know, maybe tell us if the alligator was an accomplice or a weapon? How about that?
2:37 - 4:06
For real, did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator or did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator? There's a huge difference. Did he start a gang with an alligator, throw a bandana on it … He's like “We’re the alligator boys now.” Just get to a Wendy's and make this official. No, so, this is how … I bought the paper and I read the article. This is real. He used the alligator as a weapon, okay. And when I read that I was like “Did he at least hold it like a gun?” Right? He didn't. He threw it … through a drive-through window! Yep! Didn't see that one coming, did ya? You know who else didn’t? The lady at the drive-through! So many things have to happen before you can even throw an alligator. You have to find it in the wild. Also by the way, how horrible is Florida that there is just alligators available to you?
[Laughter]
4:06 - 5:09
What was even his qualifying material? Was he looking for a specific type or just the first one he saw he was like “This is the one.” And he took it. That was it? So this is real. This happened in Florida, a place connected to the United States where we are all living currently. A grown man with a driver's license found an alligator that day. He didn't even build a relationship with it. He takes his new alligator, and he seatbelted it into the backseat of his car. I assume. I just have no idea how else you keep it from getting into the front seat and biting you, right?
[Laughter]
5:09 - 6:15
I don’t know if you guys know anything about alligators but they kind of just do whatever they want. So he seatbelts this dinosaur into the backseat, and he gets into the front seat, and he's like “Ah, I gotta make some money today.” Steering the wheel. “I could get a job.” And he goes “No, no time. Spent most my day on that alligator thing. Projects. I could rob someone.” He goes like “I could rob a place. Because places have more money than someone's. Rob a bank?” And he goes “No, no, they'll be expecting that. He’s thinking about it and then he thought, he comes to the conclusion “Wendy's. They have money and chili. That's the place.
6:15 -7:13
So he drives this new alligator to Wendy’s, okay. Pulls up to the drive-thru and the lady at the drive-through is like “Hello, how can I help you today?” And he goes “Give me all the money.” And she's just goes, looks right at him and goes “No, you didn't even come inside? You failed at this robbery. And the dude is so mad. He goes “Give me the money in the register or I'll kill you.” And she's from Florida so she's not afraid of death or whatever. She looks out at him. She's like “No, if you had a gun, you would have shown it to me already. I call your bluff. Get out of here you crazy guy. Go go.” He's seething mad at this point. Furious. And he's like “You know what, I don't have a gun but hold on.” And then he palmed an alligator through the drive-through window.
7:13 - 8:08
Yep, he skipped so many steps in that robbery. If he had a list of things he was supposed to do, he would have thrown the alligator, looked down and just been like “Oh no, I was supposed to threaten her with the alligator first.” By the way, can you imagine being her? Just telling this guy off and he's like “You know what, I don't have a gun.” And you're like “Wow, nailed it. Really doing it today.” And then he leans back and starts unbuckling the world’s ugliest toddler. Hey someone come and see this. It’s wild. And then you look back and an alligator is flying.
8:08 - 8:56
Imagine being the car behind him. Sitting there with your girlfriend. Like what takes so long to make burgers here? She's on her phone. You're like “Do you even care?” You look back from her and then an alligator soars from window to window. “Honey, get off your phone! They’re throwing alligators into Wendy's! This guy is crazy!” She's on her phone like “That doesn't make sense. They don't even serve alligators here.” “What! Why am I with you?”
[Laughter]
8:56 - 10:21
So this dude is sitting there awkwardly with no more alligators left to play in a robbery probably thinking to himself “Do you think if I asked for my alligator back?” Such a bad idea to throw it. He didn't even put a fanny pack on it. Like maybe get some money while you're in there? I don't know. So he drives off. Yeah and he gets arrested immediately. He didn't even wear a mask. Yeah, he was like “I'm in Florida. People throw alligators. I’ll probably get lost in the shuffle. No he didn't. They remembered him. They arrested him pretty hard afterwards. The end of the article … this is true … It goes “No one was injured. The alligator was safely released back into the wild.” At the very end of the article it read “No drug involvement suspected.” Oh yeah, Florida, that was your sober plan? What does the non sober plan look like? Do you ride a horse and the alligator throws you? What happens?
Discussion Questions
What was the weirdest place you have been?
Shayne Smith describes one of his weird experiences in New York. What was a weird experience for you?
Shayne bases his story off a headline in the newspaper. Were you ever in the newspaper?
Are there gangs in your city? Do they wear bandanas?
Do you eat at fast food restaurants? Do you use the drive-through/drive-thru?
Are seat belts required in your country? Do you wear a seat belt?
Can you remember a time when you were seething mad?
Can you remember a story when you were a toddler or a family member/relative was a toddler?
Shayne said that an alligator soared from the car through the drive-thru window. If you had to throw something through a drive-thru window, what would you choose as something to soar into the fast food restaurant?
What is your opinion of fanny packs? Are they useful or not stylish?
Do you prefer getting lost in the shuffle or being in the limelight?
The alligator guy was arrested. Do you know anyone who was arrested? Why? How?
The alligator guy was not suspected of using drugs. Were you ever suspected of doing something wrong?
Shayne says that people in Florida are weird even when they are sober. Are people in your country weird even when they are sober? Do you have any stories of sober weird people?